Truth Be Told

“Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck....

The truth is, I've allowed fear to dictate almost every part of my life. Fear has even hindered my healing. It's easier to live with the sadness and all that it brings. Why? It's familiar and healing is not. Familiarity can keep you stuck. I've been in this space for so long, it feels normal. Healing requires work. It's a lot of very intentional work. Healing requires a level of honesty with yourself that I had been avoiding. And truth be told, I just wanted my old life back. Because who wants to start over?

Starting my life over scared me. Starting my life over as a widow scared me even more. It's like standing at the edge of a vast, unfamiliar landscape with no clear path forward. There is no manual on rebuilding your life after your spouse dies. The life I once knew has been upended, and now I am faced with the task of starting over from scratch and that's not just my daily routines, but my identity. It can't get any scarier than that.

As the fog of grief slowly lifted, I found myself wondering who I am now. This new life brought with it a sense of identity loss. Rediscovering who I am now that my role as wife and partner has changed. I have been exploring the parts of myself that had been set aside and often put on hold. This period of self-discovery has been transformative. I am learning to step into my power while dealing with pain, fear, and grief. It's been a transformative time.

Building new routines has provided comfort, creating a sense of stability in a world that has felt uncertain for so long. I had to be mindful to include self-care and social activities. I'm still working on the social activities part. I am an introvert true and through. Grief can be so isolating. I am working hard to create more balance in my life. Asking for help has been hard for me. I hate doing it and sometimes feel bad when I have to. I am always afraid of what people will think of me. Again, fear holding me back and keeping me stuck.

I now view starting over as a widow as a process, not a destination. I know there will be challenges and setbacks as well as moments of doubt. I know there will be days when the grief feels just as raw as it did in the beginning. There are also moments of joy, laughter, and new memories to be made. Life after loss is so different and lonely. I've learned that life can still be beautiful. I am finding a new way to live; one that honors my past while embracing my future.

I have survived one of the most difficult and painful life can throw at you and I am still here. Now it's time to reclaim my joy and start living my new normal.