There is Power in the Pen

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and retrospect." --- Anais Nin

Writing has always been the easiest way for me to express my feelings. It doesn't matter what's going on, I write about it. For way too long, I was afraid of my voice. I hated how I sounded. I didn't think anyone would want to hear what I had to say. I would write down everything I needed and wanted to say. I've been journaling for as long as I can remember. It started with little diaries with locks on the front and graduated to journals. They all hold the parts of me that I don't share with anyone. These parts are hidden away for fear of judgment and ridicule.

I have come to realize that I have a story to tell. I have a testimony that may help someone else. This blog is not necessarily for a widow, but for anyone who's been through hell and is still standing. My goal is to turn my tragedy into triumph. I want people to read my story and find hope. I want them to understand that giving up is never an option no matter what it looks like. I want to show anyone who reads this that you can turn your mess into a message. I hope they not only see my humanity but see their own. I am an example of picking yourself up over and over. However, there was a time when I was ready to give up and give in.

I had reached a point where I just wanted to lie down and not wake up. I was tired. I was exhausted in ways I didn't know were possible. I felt like there was nothing left inside of me. I felt like there wasn't anything left to fight for. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was empty. Losing your spouse is weird. I walked into that hospital a wife and I walked out a widow. In that moment, life as I'd known it was over. My family would never be the same again. Every single thing was now on me. Every decision, both big and small was mine to be made. I had no idea what I was doing. I resorted to what was familiar to me. I wrote about all of it. Now I am going to continue to share my journey here.

Writing saved my life. It was my therapy then. It still is my therapy now. I am no longer ashamed to show what I've gone through to get to this point. I've had many failures and losses. I've had some wins and celebratory moments too. I don't want grief and sorrow to be the defining story of my life. There is no time like the present to change that narrative. I've learned that being sad is a choice and so is choosing happiness. I'm choosing joy and freedom.