Conversations With My Soul

"Quiet the mind, and the soul will speak"

- Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati

So apparently, my soul has been trying to speak to me for some time and I just wasn't ready to listen. To get my attention, she disrupted my entire life. I became extremely sad around the holidays last year and I thought it was just the normal holiday blues, but this was something different. These emotions were heavy and I could not shake them. I was so confused because I'd made it through the previous holiday seasons much better than I'd expected. Not this time. I couldn't shake the sadness even after the holidays were over.

If you know me, then you know how much of an overthinker I am. Not only do I overthink, I never stop moving. So I tried to ignore all the signs and I kept going. I had so much going on in my head that I couldn't think clearly. And just like I hate to be ignored, apparently my soul doesn't like that shit either, so she got my attention. I started crying randomly ALL the time, and there were days where it was really hard to get out of bed. I kept thinking WTF is going on now?? I had been doing good, or so I thought. We had reached the three-year mark, I was good. Except, I wasn't.

It had gotten so bad that I had no other choice but to slow down, quiet my mind and to allow my soul to speak to me. And boy did she have a lot to say. She was weary and tired. Not only because of the grief but because I'd never allowed myself the time and space to grieve and heal completely. To be completely honest, I just didn't want to. I was tired of being sad, and tired of thinking about what I'd gone through. I didn't think I would live past my grief. And yet, here I am, living. I'd put band-aids over the things I didn't want to deal with and hoped they would eventually heal if I ignored them.

Finally, I realized that I have been carrying around an enormous amount of guilt. I felt guilty because no matter how hard I tried I was unable to save him. I felt guilty because I had to remove him from life support. I felt guilty because I was still here. Figuring out what was wrong was the easy part. Trying to deal with it was not so easy. From the outside, no one could even tell that anything was wrong. I don't like people to see me sad, and I hate for people to see me cry. I've perfected covering my sadness. The thought of people feeling sorry for me wouldn't allow me to share what I had been going through with anyone.

I don't like asking for help. I would prefer not to ask anyone for anything. However, what I have learned is that there is so much strength in being vulnerable. Being transparent allows for others to see my humanity. This process is teaching me to show all of me without the masks that I relied on to get me through the past three years. You would never know that I suffer from severe insomnia and anxiety, and the lack of sleep causes me to crash often. Or that some days I forget to eat. No one would ever know that many more nights than I can count were spent crying uncontrollably. Now you know. Keeping up this facade was so very draining. Healing is hard, it's ugly and it's very lonely. This shit is HARD!!!!

This work is not for everyone. It requires an inner strength that not everyone possesses. I knew I was going to keep repeating this cycle until I dealt with it and made peace with all of it. Because I am an empath, I wanted and needed to save him. In my mind, there was just no other way. At least that is what I thought before I finally allowed myself to accept that this was never going to turn out any other way. That making the heart-breaking decision to end his life support was an unselfish act and that I was setting him free. It took a very dear friend to help change my perspective on that. So now what??

I am learning how to meditate and to quiet my mind and to become still. I am learning how to ask for help when I need it. I am finally becoming comfortable with my truth. I never realized just how uncomfortable I was. I am learning that it is OK to not be OK all the time. I am learning to allow my spirit to guide me. Apparently she knows a lot. I am also learning to celebrate how far I've come and all of the other little victories. I am extremely blessed to still be here. People allow grief and sadness to take them out. I am still here. That in and of itself deserves to be celebrated. Lastly, I am learning how to trust the divine timing of my life and to remain graceful and grateful at all times.