It's Been Three Years Already

June 23rd came around once again, and I have to say this year was harder than the previous two and I'm not quite sure why. The insomnia and anxiety slowly came back in the weeks leading up to this day. I sat on my bed in disbelief that he was really gone. I haven't heard his voice or smelled his cologne in three years. When you are grieving, acceptance can take a while. His old work cell number popped into my mind one day and I called it with the faint hope that his voicemail would still be on there. Of course, it wasn't. I knew I was grasping at straws when I called. I just wanted to hear his voice. Just one more time. I wish I could permanently remove this date from the calendar...

I cried the entire night before and off and on all day. I realized that I had to pull myself together because the next day was Monday, and like every day, I had shit to do. I turned on my music and allowed the thing that's been my therapy since childhood, to lift and lighten my mood. Music has always been my thing. Hence the new art on my left inner wrist that reads: "Where words fail, music speaks." Music is such an important part of my life. I also burned incense and candles and tried thinking about other things. Something came to my mind, would Aaron even like this version of me? If he met me today, would he still become my husband?

I am definitely not the woman he knew. I've had to rebuild my life and rework some things. I am the same empathetic caregiver. I still over think and worry too much. However, I am tattooed and I wear oils on places I didn't before, and I not only have crystals throughout my house, I wear them, sometimes in my bra, and don't forget about the waist beads. I think differently, my whole vibe is different now. I just wondered if he'd like this me.... Not that it makes a difference, it was just something that came to mind as I was sitting alone trying to get it together.

The night before, I was having a conversation with a very dear friend, who lost her husband on the SAME exact day as Aaron. She was at the five year mark, and me the three. We both wondered why it hadn't gotten easier. Why does it feel like it just happened? Why is the hurt still so heavy? Why won't grief just let go? Grief is a mother fucker that just won't let us be great. We are collectively tired of grieving and being sad. Some days we wonder just how did WE get picked for this assignment? Not that it would change anything but damn, why this? Either way, we have to keep moving forward, no matter how tight of a grip the past has on us.

Time does not heal all wounds. You learn to live with the pain. You just have to adjust because it will forever be a part of who you are. Looking back over the past three years, I see tremendous growth. I see my mistakes and I'm learning from them. I realized that I've found pieces of myself that I'd long forgotten when my main focus was my husband and children. My children are still my life, but I am now on the priority list. I am learning to be more patient with myself. I've been through hell and I deserve that. I am definitely learning how to parent my children based on who they are rather than who I want them to be. I am learning to present and not wishing the time away. As we all know, time waits for no man.

The greatest lesson I've learned, is that I have to be patient, and more gentle with myself. I have to remember that God has NOT forgotten us. I have to trust the timing of my journey. I have to believe that better is coming. Witnessing what seems like everyone else receiving their blessings is hard sometimes. I am always genuinely happy for others, however, my heart hurts a little sometimes too. This is when time seems to be moving at a snails pace. So I've gone about changing my mindset and my perspective. I'm focused on self-improvement so that when my season comes, I will be more than prepared for all that I've prayed for.

My hope is that this journey will eventually become easier. Not only for myself, but for everyone who's experienced a loss like this. I pray that the good days outnumber the bad ones. "Let it be easy," is my mantra now. I find myself saying that a lot. Until it becomes easy, I will continue to live, love and laugh.