Perfectly Imperfect

Today I stood in front of a room full of people that I didn't know, and I allowed myself to be as vulnerable and transparent as I could be. I allowed everyone to see just how perfectly imperfect I am. For the first time EVER, I shared my testimony. Until today, I have been terrified of public speaking. I am very guarded about what parts of myself I will allow others to see. As well as how much of this journey I share. I've always written about what I was going through. Something was different about me. Something has shifted inside of me. It was time to step outside of everything comfortable and go bigger. Even with a shaky voice, I delivered my testimony, and I the more I spoke, the more my confidence grew.

At the 3rd Jazz Brunch hosted by Premature Widow, I came full circle. I was no longer the broken woman at the beginning of her journey into grief and loss. Today, I was the woman consoling another widow who was at the beginning of her own journey after losing her husband six months ago. She was me three years ago. When I looked at her, I saw myself. The tears she was shedding wouldn't stop. The overwhelming emotions that had taken over her, were all too familiar. I hoped she saw in me, what could happen if she just held on a little bit longer. For the very first time, I saw myself as others see me. I saw the growth, I saw the woman I've become, while looking at the woman I once was. I am so proud of myself. When I left the venue I cried. Tears of happiness and pride, instead of those of sadness and loss.

I decided that I would share my entire testimony here because the video that I have doesn't show the entirety of my speech. Please excuse the formatting. I typed it up how I wanted to read it. Some of the paragraphs are longer than others.

My Testimony

“In this crazy, mixed up world where everything seems out of order, some days it’s hard not to feel like the world is coming to an end. I can promise you, that no matter how hard it gets (and it definitely gets hard), the world is not coming to an end today because ... it is already tomorrow in China. So I think we’re good.

WE are the sum total of all our experiences. The key for me, is to continue walking in my Purpose as a spiritual woman, mother, student, and entrepreneur, and not to wallow in this title of widow. On both good days and bad, MY Purpose is the best way I know how to honor my marriage to a man God called home way too soon ,and to continue living the legacy I still have to give to our children and their children after them. Unfortunately, we are not the first to do it. And sadly, we won’t be the last. However, WE have to do it ,not only because we were chosen to do so, but to show those who will follow in our footsteps, that it can be done. Not only can it be done, but it can be done with grace.

I couldn’t have imagined that I would be a widow. Me? A widow?? And definitely not a widow at the age of 40. Nothing could have prepared me for what this journey would ask of me. I didn’t think of myself as an especially strong person, and I never thought I would be faced with a situation that would not only irreparably change my life, and that of my children, but a situation that was, in my opinion, designed to destroy me. There have been many times that I threw in the towel, and God would throw it right back and tell me to “keep going”. So that it was I did, I just kept going. Not knowing what was on the horizon for me. How do you move forward when in just one day, you go from being a wife to becoming a widowed mother of three? There are absolutely no guide books for losing your husband.

As we all experience grief and loss differently, and there is no blueprint for how to navigate life after loss. I felt like no one really understood what I was going through and how I felt. I had searched for support groups and couldn’t find anything for women who looked like me. And if ever there was a time in my life where representation mattered, this was it. It wasn’t until the following April after Aaron’s passing, that I was informed about the very first Jazz Brunch. I had no expectations other than to come eat and enjoy some jazz. I didn’t think that there would be any emotional triggers, so I came alone and didn’t have one tissue in my purse!! That turned out to be a huge mistake.

Before that day, I’d never met Connie. So when she walked in, I saw this beautiful, happy woman and she just had this aura about her. I knew absolutely nothing about her. It wasn’t until I sat down and began to read the program that I realized that this woman’s story, her journey into widowhood, mirrored mine. Connie’s husband Todd, and my husband Aaron left this world on the same exact day. Just two years apart. They had 3 children and so did we. We even share the same anniversary month. This is exactly when the tissues I forgot to put into my purse would have come in handy. When I finally had the chance to meet her, I introduced myself and attempted to tell her that our stories were almost identical, and I just fell apart. I mean, ugly crying in the buffet line. She just held me and allowed me to cry, until I could regain my composure. It was one hell of an introduction.

From that day on, Connie has been family. It’s as if we’d known each other for years. We even introduced our daughters and they got along great as well. For me, this was the first time that I had someone to talk to who inherently understood all that I had gone through. Connie was always reassuring me that I would make it, that I would get through this. Even though I was so very ready to give up. At one point, I told her that I just didn’t have any more fight left in me and she promised me that I did. And look at me now, standing in front of a room full of people, talking about the most painful experience of my life. Only Connie could have gotten me to agree to do this. That is how I know that our meeting was nothing short of Divine Intervention. It makes all the difference in the world when someone really understands what you are going through.

I am just so sorry that she had to go through losing her husband to help other women like myself, who have experienced the same loss. This is definitely her calling and purpose, and to me, she has been a blessing and a ray of hope. She’s been an example of what could be if I kept on pushing through the pain. That’s the thing about pain, you HAVE to go through it to get through it. Connie has created an organization for women who are at different stages of the same journey. Although grieving, we are re-defining what it means to be a widow. At the organization that I work for, they would call it “Re-Imagining” our lives. We are not your grandmother’s widows.

With widowhood comes a lot of learning. We are learning how to navigate life without our husbands. We are learning how to heal ourselves and letting go of the spirits of grief and sorrow. We are learning about WHO we are now. We are learning how to love again. We are thriving in spite of what we’ve gone through and we definitely don’t look like what we’ve been through. We are raising awesome children, while learning to be single mothers. We are warriors who have put ourselves back together after being broken in ways others could never comprehend. Life handed all of us lemons and not only did we make lemonade, on some days, we made martinis.

So as I stand here before you today, I would like to thank you all, for coming out to support all of us. I would like to personally thank the members of my village who came out to support me today. It really means so much to me. And last, but definitely not least, I would like to thank Connie for everything you’ve done, not only for me, but for all of us. This organization is so important and necessary and we are so grateful for your selflessness.

I would also like to say to anyone here who may be at the beginning of their journey, please know that as hard as it may seem right now, you can and You will get through this. Your strength and resilience knows NO bounds. There is absolutely nothing that you can’t get through. And know that you are now a part of a group of women who will stand in the gap for you. You will always have a safe space to do whatever it is you need to do to heal and find your happiness. And I promise, you will heal. You are amazing, you are strong, you are brave, and your courage is unmatched. I am living proof of what can happen when you refuse to give up and when there are people who are standing behind, beside and in front of you refusing to allow you to fall. And never forget, Queens always turn their pain into power.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my posts and share my journey. Your support means a lot. My goal is and has always been to heal through writing. I also hoped that by sharing my experience, someone else may be inspired to keep going.