Beautiful Chaos

Beautiful chaos perfectly sums up my life. It's beautiful and yet, it is very much chaotic. I'm literally a walking contradiction. How can something be beautiful and chaotic at the same time? I am, and I am OK with that. Sometimes I think there is more chaos than beauty but I'm working on it. I've finally started therapy, and my second assignment got me thinking. I am supposed to write two separate letters to Aaron. One letter is supposed to tell him what I am thankful for and the other is to discuss the anger that I have yet to deal with. When I saw her instructions I was thinking "WTF??" I already knew that I was going to cry from start to finish.

As I began to write the first letter, I had to reflect on my life. I came to the realization that I am a fucking rock-star. Let me explain to you how I came to this conclusion. I firmly believe that the death of my husband was a situation designed not only to break me, but it was designed to kill me. It would have been so easy to lay in my bed and just die, but there is a fire inside me that would not and could not allow that to happen. There were many days I did allow myself to lay in the bed and do nothing. I needed that. I deserved that.

If you didn't know already, I'm also stubborn as hell, and I refuse to be defeated. I am still standing and looking cute while doing it. Not every day, some days I look homeless. Now that is what I call balance! Anyway, my kids are doing really well, in spite of the everything they've experienced. They are pretty awesome. I am beyond thankful for that. I still have the capacity to love, and that is huge. It's a big thing for a woman who has lost her husband, her life partner, to be willing and able to love again. I couldn't allow this to harden me. Although this experience is a part of my story, it does not define me. That is some rock-star shit if I do say so myself.

Everyone could not keep going. Giving up is easy. Pushing through has taken a determination and resolve I never knew existed within me. That is what growth looks like. It kind of just sneaks up on you. You never realize how much you've grown until you look back at where you started. I am growing and evolving and I love it. I own it. It's beautiful. During my reflection I came to understand duality. My life is chaotic, every day. Every. Single. Day. Yet, it's beautiful at the same time. The beauty and chaos seem to balance each other out. I'm still doing the inner work required to complete the healing process.

I catch glimpses of the woman I am becoming. I am so excited!! I am fighting hard for her. I love her. She is so worth it. I have been trying to change/improve small things every day. I hope to one day have a life that is a little more beautiful than it is chaotic. Until then, I have to work to do. I have letters to finish!