I Wasn't Built to Break

I haven't posted in a very long time. This year has been rough. I think 2018 really tried to kill me. I am super excited to see it go. I'm not sure if it were all the retrogrades or what, but I got my ass kicked this year. I can honestly say, that there were many, many, times this year that I wanted to just give up. I've been handed disappointment after disappointment, I've gotten my feelings hurt and things didn't go anywhere near how I'd planned.

I was mad at God. I realized that I have been mad since Aaron was diagnosed with cancer on February 7, 2014. I felt like I really needed to know why. Like it would change anything if I had a reason as to why things happened the way they did. When the answers didn't come, I just shut down. I was just going with the flow. I wasn't dealing with the feelings, the guilt, or the hurt. I was just moving in auto-pilot and continuing to push the feelings and memories away. Nothing that I was doing was conducive to my healing. I was just lying myself.

This year made it impossible for me to continue on like this. All of my shit smacked me in the face and I had no other choice but to acknowledge it and deal with it. I am still very much grieving. Clearly, there is no time limit on grief. I can be fine for days and even weeks and then all of a sudden I'm somewhere crying. Rahmil graduated from high school, started his very first job, and turned 19. Rahsaan graduated from middle school and is now a struggling freshman. These were all celebratory moments, but inside I was just trying to keep it together. Their dad will not experience any of their milestones, and I hate it.

In this time, I've learned that the hurt is so much deeper than I initially thought, and that healing is a process that can not and will not be rushed. I F*CKING hate all of this. I hate being a widow, and I absolutely hate being a single parent. Every single thing depends on me. Every person in this house, depends on me to do what I need to do. This is a heavy burden to bare. There are no breaks or days off. These were the moments that giving up was way easier than to keep pushing. I didn't always feel like God was with me during the last 4 years.

I definitely understand time and season, however, I've had moments during this time where I've felt totally forgotten by God. It was like, he abandoned me and I was so angry. I've witnessed and celebrated so many happy, joyful moments with others, and a small part of me wondered when, if ever, it would be my turn. This is why I haven't posted in so long. I was just trying to survive. This is where faith, self-love, and persistence come into play. I had to start over again trying to heal and move forward. I had to allow God back in to finish the work. I had to let go of the anger and disappointment. I had to love myself the same way I've loved others and I had to be patient.

I needed to remind myself that it was OK if things didn't work out like I'd wanted them to. Whenever something goes wrong, especially with my children, I place the blame solely on myself. I have been extremely hard on myself this year and it's taken a serious toll on me. The insomnia came back with a vengeance and the anxiety has been a daily occurrence. What I realized was that I've just been doing whatever I had to do to survive. I wasn't living.

I can't stay in survival mode. With that being said, I am fully committed to MY healing and in learning how to live on purpose. Survival mode no longer serves me. I am so full of love and life, and I deserve to be happy. I know that I am not built to break. Which is probably the wording for my next body art... But I digress. I am not going to break, nor am I going to give up. I am tired though, so I'm learning to rest and not quit. Even during the holidays which are extremely hard on me, I am determined to keep pushing through.

This year has taught me a lot. Many of those lessons have been painful and uncomfortable. It wasn't all bad though. There were some genuinely happy moments, and my kids are wonderful. I am extremely hopeful for what 2019 will be bringing into my life. I am ready for some awesome. I pray that we all have a wonderful holiday season and that the new year is good to us all.