Freeing My Heart

Part 2: Freeing my heart:

"Share your story, free your heart."

All great things take time... but I had to learn in order for me to free my heart, I had to do the work required to heal. I couldn't move forward until the work began. I had to allow myself time to grieve. Grieving was extremely difficult for me because of my children. They have been my focus. Making sure they were OK, was my main objective. That meant taking a backseat to focus. For months I tried to push the feelings and memories away and go on as if everything was normal. To be honest, I just wasn't ready to deal with all of those emotions. All of that pain was just too much. I wanted to feel like I had some kind of control over what was going on. But, the exact opposite was true. I wasn't in control of anything. The fact that I'm stubborn as hell didn't help either.

I needed to learn how to let go. I was terrified of doing that. I was afraid of what would happen when I let go. It also meant I had to allow people inside, and I had to learn how to ask for help, and I hate having to ask for help. There was fear in this too. I don't trust too many people. I'm tired of feeling disappointed, abandoned, and forgotten. At the end of the day, I had no other choice. First, I had to help people understand that they needed to be patient with me. I then needed to let go of the picture I had in my head for how I thought things would be. I had to release my need of trying to control the outcome of my life. Oh, how I hate not having control! I had to let go of everything and allow God to take control.

Clearly, doing things my way wasn't working. There are very few instances when I don't mind someone else being in control, but this definitely wasn't one of those times. Freeing my heart required acceptance. Acceptance was hard. It's quite the bitter pill to swallow. It's taken a long time for me to completely accept everything that has happened. From the diagnosis until now and everything in between. I had to accept it all and have the faith to believe that despite how painful it was and still is, that it all happened for a reason. There are still times my chest gets tight when I am talking about my journey, or when the memories come from nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. It is in those moments that I look at my right wrist for the reminder... The reminder to just breathe. The goal I've set is to always get to the next moment, and so on.

Freeing my heart has demanded a lot of self-exploration and work, mixed with a lot of forgiveness. It's funny how much easier it is to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself. This is where I had to extend myself grace. I had to remind myself of how far I've come and what I've accomplished in the last two years. There have been numerous trying moments, relationships have changed, friendships have ended, people have walked away from us and there were times I felt completely forgotten and alone. Despite ALL of that, I persisted. I had to remind myself of how dope I really am. I refuse to play the victim, even if I was. I have way too much shit to do and there is no time for pity parties. Life definitely goes on, and that is ok.

I am really enjoying learning about who I am now. Who I was no longer exists and I accept that now. I am learning to love the sound of my own voice and I no longer fear walking away from anything that doesn't feel good. Because I have lost so much, I'm much more protective of my energy and my space. Of course, I've made some mistakes along the path of my self-discovery, but I view those errors as lessons learned, with no regrets. I seek out positivity and peace. I desire experiences that help me grow and push me. I only want people around me who are good for my soul. Those with true intentions, and actions to match their words. I've learned that time doesn't really heal all wounds, it just makes you stronger so you can deal with all the hurt without it consuming you.

I'm learning so much and I have so many new favorite things. One of those is smudging all the bad shit away with sage and palo santo. I now love collecting crystals, yoni eggs, and long spiritual baths. I burn incense and candles every day and I can finally say that I enjoy going to the gym. Music is still my therapy. I find healing in music. And books... books are still my escape from all of the chaos and noise. I am really enjoying anything that brings me a sense of calm and peace. It's like I am re-discovering parts of myself that were dormant and were neglected for way too long. I am so multi-faceted and I love that shit. I am both sensual and bad-ass all at once and that is perfectly fine. I am learning how to appreciate all my parts, even the ones I am not totally in love with yet.

For a long time during this journey I was so concerned with what other people thought. I allowed their opinions to distract me from focusing on making myself happy. I realized that I was tired of trying to make everyone else comfortable with my grief. Their opinions no longer concern or control me. Worrying about what other people think of me has blocked me from living life on my own terms. I feel so much freer now. I am becoming more comfortable talking about my loss, my journey, and my healing. I can now see how all of these experiences are helping me. I am a walking testimony. I survived what was meant to kill me. I’m not sure if my heart has been freed by sharing all of this, but I do know that it is both scary and exhilarating to allow people to really see and experience me. No filters, no sugar coated words, and no more only sharing bits and pieces of my journey. Just me. Raw, real and honest.

My life was destroyed and I had to rebuild it from scratch. Broken pieces scattered everywhere. In the beginning, I just wanted to hurry up and heal. I really wanted to grieve quickly and move on. It doesn't work like that though. I have learned to make peace with the process and accept that things aren't on my time. So I am no longer rushing the process. I am just allowing things to flow, and no longer forcing it. As the transition and growth continue, I will patiently await a great outcome.