Sharing My Story

Part 1: Sharing My Story

I found a quote that said, "Share your story, free your heart." That really resonated with me. In order to free my heart, I needed to share my story. I needed to share all of the things that I've gone through instead of telling bits and pieces. Doing this requires a level of vulnerability that still makes me very uncomfortable. I'm not one who allows people into my space.

This forces me to give others access to the most private, pain filled, broken parts of my life. All of my fears, failures, and shortcomings will be put on full display. Kind of like being naked for the world to see. Being open also allows them to share in my accomplishments, successes and moments of happiness. This will hopefully become a form of release for me.

My husband died, and in that moment, life as I knew it, ceased to exist. My life was now broken up into three parts, before cancer, during cancer, and after cancer. Absolutely nothing would ever be the same. Ever. When I walked out of the hospital that night, I was someone else. Shattered, broken, devastated and numb, are just some of the words I would use to describe myself. This wasn't even the worst part, I still had to go home to deliver the news to my children. My focus and energy shifted to helping them get through this at any cost. This was not the end of my story. Just the beginning of a new chapter, that I will call "Survival." It took a lot of faith, prayer and strength for me to keep going every day.

For the last 19 years, my identity was wrapped up in being his wife and their mother. That was no longer my reality, so I had to figure out who I was and how to put myself back together. Where do you even start? I didn't even know who I was anymore. All I knew was that the pain was indescribable and sometimes unbearable. There have been many, many days that I just wanted to give up, give in, and say F*CK it. I was so tired and I honestly didn’t have anything left to give. No more fight. I had been fighting for so damn long. There was just nothing. I felt nothing, I wanted nothing. I was just tired. Not like lack of sleep tired. It was the type of exhaustion I could feel in my soul.

So began the task of healing. I was unsure that healing was even possible. Pain has definitely changed me. Pain actually broke me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. It literally crushed me. There are no instructions on how to deal with losing your husband, and becoming a single parent all at once. All I kept thinking was “WTF am I supposed to do now?” I really just wanted someone, anyone, to come in and take care of everything, including me. Having always been the caretaker of EVERYONE else, I needed that. At least, I thought I needed that. I kind of really wanted that… but it didn’t happen. I was left to my own devices and that was a mess too.

Looking back I can see that all of this was designed to push me beyond any and every limit I'd ever set for myself. It required me to dig down deep and find a strength inside that I never knew that I possessed. A lot of reflection and introspection and honesty were required. This is pushing me into my purpose, even though I haven't figured that part out yet. I would also be required to offer up a lot of forgiveness, for both myself and others. I would never get to the other side of this if I did't find a way to get through all of it. The woman I am destined to become is depending on it and so are my kids. I refuse to fold and become the victim. As if folding was ever an option.

Has it been easy? F*ck no. Has it gotten easier? A little bit. I’m still overwhelmed and exhausted. I still have many, many sleepless nights. I get angry at times because I do not want to do all of this by myself. I just don’t. There are moments where the tears just come and I can't stop them. There are many moments of guilt, where I blame myself for any and everything that goes wrong. Sometimes I can't even think straight. The anxiety and stress are all too real. I still feel the weight on my chest when I'm stressed and it's hard for me to breathe. It's ugly. Plain and simple. I'm being watched, so after all of these ugly moments, I find a way to pull myself back together and I keep going.

Every single day I find myself saying that if I just get through today, tomorrow will be so much better. One day soon, it will be better…. I hope.