Letting Go and Growing

Learning to let go is one of the many hard lessons that I've had to learn recently. I realized that I hold onto everything out of fear of losing it. For anyone who has ever experienced a journey like mine, you know that there aren't too many things that you can control. So that makes it harder for me to ease my grip on the things I do actually have control of. It also causes me anxiety from time to time and I freak out every once in a while. Because I have experienced so much loss, I am holding onto everything AND everyone tight. Probably a little too tight, which may not be the best thing to do. I know that I can not control every outcome, but I don't think my heart can handle anything else right now.

Just allowing myself to be and to grow and to trust that somehow all of this is going to work out hasn't been that easy for me. Patience still isn't my thing. Part of me needs to know how things will turn out. The other part of me is learning to embrace the journey and enjoy this new chapter in my life. Any kind of transition is uncomfortable. I am learning how to live through as well as grow through all of the uncomfortable moments. Growth obviously doesn't happen in comfortable spaces. For me to do anything that once scared me, represents the growth that has taken place within me. Allowing myself the freedom to give up my need for control is growth for me as well. We miss out on a lot of wonderful moments trying to control every single thing.

During this period of transition, I've come to realize if I don't put myself first, then nobody is going to either. And in putting myself first, I now see that there are some people and situations that no longer deserve my energy or my time. If my efforts aren't reciprocated then whatever or whoever isn't supporting me, pushing me, encouraging me, uplifting me and loving me can no longer be tolerated. I am learning to walk away from the things that no longer serve me in a positive way. That for me is definitely a sign of growth. I believe by removing all of the things that no longer belong will make room for all of the things that do.

It was during my most recent self-reflection, that the realization of just how far I've come in this past year hit me. The funny thing about growth is that we never see it when it's happening to us. We always notice it in everyone else. I have pushed through some horrible experiences. There were times during this journey when I didn't know how I'd make it. There have been more "just breathe" moments than I can count. I now know that this is where my truths were revealed to me. This is the exact place where my strength would be revealed as well. When your life is completely shattered, you are given no other option but to see yourself for who and what you are. Through all of that brokenness, you find your truth. It is there you will see YOU for the first time or for the first time in a long time.

Growth is learning how to walk in your truth. Letting go is when you shed all of what you used to be. Growth is being able to see the things within yourself that you don't like. Not the vain things, like your stomach, thighs or butt. The things of substance that require you to do the work to improve them. If you're honest with yourself, you will be able to recognize where the work needs to be done. If you are ready to grow, you will make the necessary steps to actually do the work, no matter how painful. I've learned a lot about myself in recent months. I am stubborn at times. I love hard. Maybe too hard. I feel very deeply. I am a giver, as well as a caretaker. Sometimes I think I am too soft. I am not as broken as I thought, and not as healed as I'd hoped.

Growth is also being able to accept the good things about yourself too. The things other people notice about you. The things you may have never noticed about yourself. I am learning how to express my feelings without fear or regret. I've also learned that some people think I am beautiful. Yep, me. Who knew??? I've learned that people feel comfortable enough to be their true selves around me. I've also realized that people feel comfortable talking to me. Apparently, my energy is calming to some and I truly love that people feel that way with me. It's cool knowing that I have the ability to make others feel at ease.

I've also recognized that I still operate from a place of fear in some situations and that fear dictates some of the things that I say (or don't say) and the things that I do (or don't do). At this point, I don't know what I am afraid of. All of the things I was most afraid to happen have happened to me. So what exactly am I afraid of? I am working on always saying what I feel no matter the outcome of the conversation. You can't communicate freely when you are afraid or feel that you have to be guarded in what you say. So I have begun pushing myself through those uncomfortable conversations. I know that I still have work to do in this area of my life and I'm definitely going to make it happen.