At What Cost??

I found a quote on Instagram that said, "The cost of becoming who you want to be is paid by who you currently are." I found another one that said, "Your new life will cost you your old one. It will be amazing." This has been a recurring theme on my timeline. After thinking long and hard about it, I would have to agree. At least in my case, my new life has definitely cost me my old one. Even though this new life was not of my choosing. During the many moments of reflection, I've noticed that I barely recognize the woman I'm becoming. It's scary and exciting all at once.

The woman emerging from the shell of who I once was, is fearless and unafraid to live her life on her terms and I LOVE her. I hate the fact that my life had to be destroyed in order for this growth to occur. However, I don't know if I would be in this place had I not experienced this journey. For years, I've struggled with finding my true self and living my truth. I had low self-esteem and I was a serial people pleaser. Yet, the only person I wasn't pleasing was myself and that's not cool. Self-love and self-care didn't exist to me before the destruction.

When you begin to focus on yourself so many things begin to change. I'm laser focused on becoming the best woman, mother, friend, and daughter that I can be. The thought of having to literally put my life back together has been at times paralyzing. So because living in fear is no longer an option for me, I continued to push through. I am forcing myself to step outside of my comfort zone as often as possible. Which for me, is beyond uncomfortable. I'm learning that some pretty awesome stuff is waiting right outside of our comfort zones if we are only willing to take the chance.

I can no longer just exist, I want to live, love and be free. I can no longer allow fear to hold me hostage and keep me unhappy. As I am evolving, I see that not only will my relationship with myself change, but relationships with others are changing too. For those who really know me, they know that I hate when things are forced. I don't like forced interactions, conversations, or love. I don't want ANYTHING in my life that feels forced. I want fluidity. I want ease. I want everything that is really for me to just flow naturally.

I crave peace, and I need calm. I totally understand that we are all growing at a different rate than everyone else, and that is ok. I also understand that sometimes you outgrow the very people you thought you could never live without, and that is ok too. It doesn't mean the love isn't there, or the friendship is gone, it just means that we are at different places in our lives, and we require different energies in this space. Speaking of energy, I'm paying attention to that a whole lot more now. It's so real and it doesn't lie.

Have you ever been around someone and your energy and theirs are out of this world? It's scary but in a good way. I think sometimes that our souls seek out people we didn't even know we needed. Because I'd stopped paying attention to myself and what I really needed so long ago that I missed out on this. Not now. I am paying attention to everything AND everyone that makes me happy and feels good. I have no room for negative energy, vibes, or people. Life is just too damn short.

So I guess the cost of becoming the woman I want to be is worth all of the things I've lost. I'm learning to be accepting of that. Everything that I've been through has helped mold me into the person that I am becoming. Both the good and the bad. I see things and people differently now. I see them for what they are and not as I wish them to be. So even though I don't understand why any of this had to happen, I trust that what's to come is going to be amazing. The cost is high but it is so worth it.