The Calm In My Storm

This past year has literally flown by. June, July, and August of last year, were a blur. I feel like I was on auto-pilot most of the time. I honestly think that is what saved what is left of my sanity. There were moments of calm and genuine happiness. Although these moments were few and far between. I've never been one to question God's work, although I would really like to know why he thought that I could handle all of this all at once. Anyway, during what I call my storm, I often prayed for someone or something to calm my spirit.

What I meant by calm my spirit was someone or something to calm all the noise in my mind and to take away all the stress I carry around on a daily basis. What I needed was someone/thing to make me feel good and forget all the things I hate thinking about even if only for a little while. Most people will hopefully never experience a journey like mine. They won't know that insomnia, stress, and anxiety are also part of the package. There are times when I totally forget things and moments when I can't quiet my mind. Even when I do sleep most of the time it's not restful. I needed a break from ALL of that.

Clearly, I wasn't specific enough in my request or either God has a sense of humor. The thing that speaks to and calms my spirit is a complicated situation to say the very least. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with it. I'm slightly overwhelmed or I could just be overthinking which is what I normally do to drive myself crazy. I'm always looking for signs. Maybe this is a sign that I need to start yoga or something? Maybe meditation? I don't know. What I do know with 100% certainty is that I want anything and everything that makes my soul happy. That could be viewed as being selfish but at this point in my life I don't care and I deserve it.

I never really focused too much on my own happiness before. I was so focused on my family, and what they needed, that I got lost. I've been forced to focus on myself over the last year and I realized that I've missed many opportunities because I was either afraid to go after them or even afraid to open my mouth. For whatever reason, I felt undeserving of the kind of happiness I desired. I see so many people around me settling for less than they deserve and I know that I too, was just like them. I've watched people settle every day for jobs they hate. Like, they hate everything about the job, yet they go every day.

I've even watched as people settle for being loved way less than they deserve. The thing is we all know when we deserve more than what we're getting. I think many times we're just afraid to make the necessary changes no matter if it's your job, where you live, or your relationship. What I also know for certain is that life is too short to continue to settle and not be truly happy. Which is exactly why I have to make whatever changes necessary to get there, while still searching for things that calm my spirit and speak to my soul.