Lives Interrupted

An entire 365 days has passed in what seems like the blink of an eye. On June 23, 2016, our lives were permanently interrupted. My husband, and their father, Aaron, lost his battle with cancer. When his heart stopped, so did ours, if only for a minute. We were forever changed. Life for us, would never, ever be the same again. As much as I hated it, life just continued because that is what life does, it just goes on. Fast forward exactly one year, and here we are. So many things have changed. Aaron's loss has changed the dynamics of not only our lives but of relationships as well. Some family relationships and friendships are "different" now.

I wasn't sure how I'm supposed to feel at this point. Yes, I made it, but what does that mean? I've clearly survived a set of circumstances that were designed to break me. I am broken, yet still standing. People often say to me "you are so strong." I don't necessarily agree with them. I just wanted to lay in my bed and just stay there until the pain went away. However, due to the fact that I am now responsible for three other people by myself, I had no other choice but to get up every day and keep going. Is that strength or having no other options?? I don't know.

I really do appreciate the votes of confidence, I just don't see what they see. I don't feel strong. To be honest, I am tired. It's not physical or mental, I'm tired in my soul. That is what I figured people would see when they looked at me. What I see is a beautifully broken mess with a dope soul who has experienced an incredible amount of pain. Who by God's grace is still here. Change is slowly coming. Sadness is being replaced with acceptance. In my opinion, time doesn't heal all wounds, it just has a way of helping you to cope a little bit better.

Exactly one week ago today, we celebrated Rahsaan's 13th birthday. My heart silently broke for him. My heart breaks for all three of them. Here he was becoming a teenager without his dad to guide him. Aryn is about to turn 8 in a few weeks and in December, Rahmil will turn 18. I'm sad thinking about his senior year and all the memories Aaron won't be able to share in with him. I hate the pain that this has caused my children. Some days I don't feel like I am enough to fill the void he left behind. I must say that children are the most resilient people on the planet. They are all still smiling and enjoying life. That gives me hope on the days when I don't have any.

Surprisingly, they even had a really good school year. They persevered and surprised me. In the quiet moments, I reflect back on the past 3 years of our lives and I honestly, really don't know how we made it. What we've witnessed and survived has forever changed us. A dear friend recently reminded me that because of the challenges my children have faced, they are going to be forces to be reckoned with. My prayer is that this shapes them into compassionate, caring, driven individuals who won't allow any obstacles to stop them. Because I know that children watch everything that we do, I hope that by continuing to push forward they will come to understand that there isn't anything they can't get through.

Only time will reveal the purpose that will be born from this pain. My only hope is that it is awesome. It really has to be. The only thing I know for certain is that I want to be of service to others in some capacity. Within the past few months, I was introduced to a group of young widows. There really are other women going though the exact same thing as me. I've developed a special relationship with one in particular. Our stories mirror each other. Her husband died on the exact same day as Aaron, only 2 years prior. We both have 3 children, and our daughters were both six years old when they lost their dads. I feel like meeting them, especially her, is going to push me into something greater. Maybe helping other women walking this same journey as myself. I would love to one day be able to stand in front of a room full of people and share my testimony. Maybe seeing that I'm still standing will give hope to the hopeless.

I can't wait for the day when the skies clear and the sun finally begins to shine on my family. I know it sounds selfish, but if anyone deserves a little bit (or a lot) of awesome, it would be us. We have endured enough pain, loss, and grief to last a lifetime and then some. Every day I tell myself that happiness and miracles are chasing us down. The hard part is trusting the journey and waiting for those things to catch us. Patience has never been one of my better qualities. I kind of need them to hurry on up though. In the meantime, I am going to continue to work on myself and take care of these kids. There is no doubt in my mind that something beautiful and wonderful is coming. Stay tuned, I'm going to let Y'all know when it does!!