Just Breathe

They are just two simple words. Just breathe. It's a natural function that you do thousands of times a day without thought or hesitation. Unless you're sitting in a doctor's office waiting on test results. Or when you realize that the cancer is not gone and it is, in fact, worse, and things are going downhill fast. These are the times when I had to remind myself to just breathe.

The pain was so heavy at times it felt as if I were suffocating. Like there was a weight on my chest. I could hear the voice in my head saying it over, and over and over, just breathe. I did, and I am still here. Those two words are etched in my mind. So to remind myself to do just that, I had those very words imprinted permanently onto my skin. Whenever I need a reminder I can just look at my wrist. Sometimes taking a breath is easier said than done.

So many times I found myself holding my breath, hoping for good news. Hoping for the miraculous recovery that never happened. I was definitely holding my breath on the evening of June 23, 2016, when I was hoping and praying that I was making the right decision. I will never really know if that was the right decision. I thought it was the most humane, selfless decision at the time. I was holding my breath hoping his heart would continue to beat and his lungs would work without that machine.

Unfortunately, none of what I'd hoped and prayed so hard for came to fruition. All I can do is continue to take it day by day, breath by breath. In learning how to live and breathe again, I'm learning that it's really OK to be vulnerable and to allow people to see me as the (beautifully broken) mess that I am. So as I continue to grow and heal I will always remind myself to just breathe.