It Was Time

On Saturday, April 29, 2017, I attended the inaugural event for an organization for young widows. It was a beautiful day for a jazz brunch at a very nice golf club. Now if you really know me, you know that I am very much an introvert and I hate going to social gatherings alone. I was also hesitant because I don't like anything associated with being a widow. Anyway, after sitting in my truck for 10 minutes trying to decide whether or not I should drive off, I pushed myself into going in.

I wasn't for prepared for the series of events that happened after I stepped inside that room. I received a warm welcome from the lady greeting the guests. I was sitting at table #4 all alone when another lady came and sat down and we began to talk. My anxiety started to fade. I was good until the speaking began. My eyes began to water and I had NO tissues!!!! What was I thinking?? All the feelings and emotions that I work very hard to push way deep down began to flood to the surface.

I was trying so hard to keep it together. I looked cute, my makeup looked nice and here I was crying all crazy. I'd finally gotten control of myself when I turned over the program and realized that the woman who organized the event, had lost her husband on the same exact day as Aaron. Her husband passed away in 2014 and Aaron 2016. They also have 3 kids AND they too were married in September. When she came over to introduce herself to me I just lost it. I broke down in the buffet line. Y'all don't understand how much I hate crying in public and being vulnerable in front of people. I was a complete and utter disaster.

She told me that it was going to be ok. And for the first time, those words were coming from someone who knew exactly what I was feeling and I believed her. As the program went on I just totally came undone. I was overwhelmed with emotions that I thought I'd dealt with. I was also overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support I was receiving from a room full of women who didn't know me. What I realized is that it was time. It was time for me to deal with those emotions and feelings I'd been suppressing. I cried so much on Saturday that I felt spent by the time I got home.

I was still an emotional wreck the rest of the day. It really was time for me to deal with whatever emotions came. I needed to really acknowledge them and allow myself to feel. I've said it before, I've been numb. Which would explain why I got 3 tattoos at once last week. However, that's a story for another day. I HAD to allow myself to feel all of it. I needed to deal with these feelings because we have holidays and the one-year anniversary of his passing coming up and that is going to bring with it emotions that I can't even imagine at this moment.

I have no idea how the kids will deal with Father's Day and June 23rd. I don't know how to prepare them or what to do on those days. I guess I will figure it out when that time comes. I am so glad that I made myself go because I needed to be around other women who understood this journey. It was time. It feels good to know that I now have a whole new support system. I know one thing for sure, things have a way of coming up when we don't deal with them. Clearly, I still have work to do. I'm up to the challenge (I think).