Learning How to Live Again

I feel like someone who's been in an accident and must learn how to walk again. Or a soldier who has been to war and come back a shell of the person they were before. I will never be the person I was on June 23, 2016. She's gone and I won't ever get her back. Over the past 10 months, I've had to learn how to live. In the blink of an eye, life as I'd known it was shattered. It was over. Where do you even begin with such a daunting task?

Slowly but surely, I am learning how to live again. I've been picking up all the pieces and trying to put myself back together. I can tell that things are different. I am different. Some pieces don't fit where they used to. Some don't fit at all, and that's ok. I am learning how to just be. I am taking deep breaths and caring for myself. I've even managed to find a few moments of peace and they were so beautiful. Peace was something I thought was impossible for me.

Happiness is my main objective now. I just want to be happy. Period. I don't care how it looks to other people as long as it feels good to my soul. I deserve that. I've been sad for such a long time, I just want some sunshine and rainbows and lots and lots of laughter. I've also realized that I am pretty damn awesome. I am still standing after enduring what would've have destroyed others. Broken and bruised, but I'm still here.

For months I was getting through the days on auto-pilot. I am beginning to feel again. The numbness is wearing off and reality is setting in. The only problem with feeling again is that I can't pick and choose the feelings I want to experience. They are all coming at me and I am no longer fighting them off. I allow myself to experience them and then I move on. The old me would have fought hard to not to feel certain things.

This new me is just allowing things to happen. I don't force anything anymore. Relationships, friendships, clothes, whatever it is, I'm not forcing it. I crave what feels natural and easy. The new me is learning how to go with the flow and without trying to control anything. This new me is also pushing me to do things that are so very far outside of my comfort zone. Funny thing is, I think I like it... I think I'm going to keep this new me around.