All These Lemons

Not too long ago, I was one of the most optimistic, happy people that I knew. I was always smiling and I really felt good.

Fast forward to now, and I fight daily to get out of bed, let alone be happy. I hate when people blame things outside of themselves for their circumstances, but I think that the reality of my circumstances has finally set in. This is really my life. This. Is. It...... And I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Now what? I was lucky enough to be listening to an extremely inspirational call earlier in the week and so many things that were said resonated with me. Over the past week or so, I've been dealt disappointment after disappointment, and it's affected me deeply. Those feelings I had begun to spill over into other areas of my life. I had to let all that sh*t go. No, I did NOT sign up for this. However, my kids didn't sign up for this either, and sometimes I forget that they are equally, if not more affected by all of this. Everything is not all about me.

People make promises they don't keep, they say things that they don't mean, and situations don't turn out as we hope. Such is life.. One of my biggest problems is that I am too sensitive and I take everything personally. When things don't go as planned it can hit me harder than it would other people and I can't imagine there being a silver lining somewhere. Then I feel like all I am getting is just a bunch of lemons. Lemons on top of lemons. I'm tired of making lemonade, though.. I've decided that I HAVE to stop dwelling on all of the bad things and find my happiness. Find it and hold on to it with everything in me. No matter what that happiness looks like. I'm also going to start making margaritas (with some shots) out of all these lemons.

Widowhood definitely sucks ass... but I have to find a way to deal. Some days are so much harder than others. One of the things I loathe the most is the dumb things people say to me. There have been so many instances where I wanted to give someone the throat punch they so desperately deserved. One of my co-workers walked up to me and said: "I feel like it happened really fast, don't you?" Umm, do I think watching my husband fight and slowly begin to die happened fast? No. It was actually excruciatingly slow and very painful to witness. Then there are those people who remind me that my husband has died or that my kids don't have their dad. I'm pretty sure we haven't forgotten..

Anyway, to combat all of the daily f*ckery and foolishness that I am bombarded with, I have decided to incorporate the following practices into my daily life:

1. Less television

2. Less social media (unless I am promoting my blog)

3. Clean(er) eating (I ate 2 cupcakes today)

4. More physical activity

5. Increase pages read per day

6. Take time out to pamper and care for me

7. Focus on whatever makes me happy

8. GET AWAY!!! (I have 2 trips planned and booked!!!)

9. Stay focused on the positive

10. Remove any/all negative people/situations from my life

So, because my life is a bunch of struggles, I am trying to do all of these things. I'm trying y'all... Widowing ain't easy!! I will definitely be having cocktails this evening!!

Before I go, let me bring you up to speed on the Thomas kids.

1. Aryn now wants a bra AND a cell phone (she is 7)

2. Rahsaan has a crush at school and he wants to upgrade his cell phone

3. Mil thinks he isn't going to work this summer (I have news for him)