The Fire Inside (Her)

How do you know when you’re not playing big enough in your own life? What does it take for you to realize that you are not showing up the way that you should be? For me, it’s taken many moments of self-reflection and prayer. I realized that I wasn’t focused and that there were people in my life who really weren’t serving me. They were distractions that needed to be removed. I wasn’t playing big, I was actually playing scared. Scared to step outside of the many boxes I’d put myself into. I was OK with being Aaron’s wife, and Rahmil, Rahsaan, and Aryn’s mom. I was OK with going to work and coming home doing the same things every day. I allowed myself to use them as an excuse to remain stagnant.

I would always say that I was “too busy” for everything outside of my home. When in actuality, I was afraid to do anything else. I took a very long, hard look at myself and I realized that not only did I not like how I was showing up, I hated it. Because of circumstances well beyond my control, I don’t have any reason to not step outside of my comfort zone now. There has always been this feeling of wanting to do more and be more. For many years, I ignored it. There was always a yearning to be seen in a different light. I call it the fire inside. There has been a burning desire in me to share my stories with others. I wanted to touch people somehow. That time is now.

I’m still unsure as to why I had to be thrust into widowhood to find myself or my purpose. God and I are still working that out. In the meantime, I have to find ways to live a much bigger, bolder life. I want to inspire other women to do the same. Despite what they have gone through, or are going through, they need to know that they can persevere and make it through. It will hurt, but they can do it. Truth be told, my life has been totally turned upside down and my family unit was destroyed. My life was really, really bad. I didn’t quit, although there were many times that I wanted to. Quitting is never an option. There are people you don’t even know watching, praying, and rooting for you to succeed.

As women, we really are our sister’s keepers, and I know that I need to do better. We go through so many things and we carry so much pain and hurt with us and sometimes all it takes is for someone to give us a word of encouragement or even a tight hug. It was women who were with me from the date of diagnosis until now. They held me together and stood behind me when I was falling, and for that I am forever grateful. I truly love them. I wouldn't be here without them. I want to give back all of the love and support that I was given during the most painful time in my life. It's time for me to give back in whatever ways I can.

I am going to support all of my friends and family who are starting businesses. I am going to support those that already have businesses. If we all support each other all of our businesses will grow. I just want to encourage others to do what makes them happy, to follow their dreams, and to pursue whatever the fire inside of them is inspiring them to do. It's time for all of us to live bigger and bolder and to step outside of our comfort zones. It's time for us to own our time and experience freedom in whatever way we describe it. Life is too short to be unhappy.