The Year of Living Fearlessly

Happy 2017!! I am so happy to say that we made it into the New Year. We did it. We're still standing. I have been doing A LOT of thinking over the holidays. I've been thinking about how and why I do the things that I do. Two questions kept popping into my mind. What am I afraid of? Also, what lives on the other side of that fear? I realized that fear has paralyzed me in every aspect of my life. Most recently, the fear of losing my husband and then, the fear of grieving had me terribly stressed.

As far back as I can remember, I have always had a fear of abandonment and rejection. I feared being alone, which has led to relationships and friendships with the wrong people. I also feared failure and being judged. You name it, I've feared it. If I'd had a stronger sense of myself, rejection, failure, and being judged wouldn't have mattered as much as it did. Nor would the thought of being alone.

I was terrified of people knowing that my husband had passed away, which is why my blog hasn't been made public until now. Somewhere in my mind I believed that people would judge me for that. Why?? I don't really know. Making my grief and loss public felt shameful in some way. I don't wear my wedding rings all the time now, and I feel like people are judging me for not being married.

I wondered if when people see me with my children, do they just assume that I'm another single mom without a husband?

Some of my fears are rational, others, not so much. I've missed out on both employment and entrepreneurial opportunities because I was afraid to put myself out there. I have missed out on so much. Living in fear isn't really living. I've just been existing. I no longer just want to exist.

What is on the other side of fear? Well, I'm not 100% sure, but I have some ideas. What if my testimony helps other people who are in similar situations? What if people who are on the verge of giving up, read these posts and keep on pushing? I've been there. There were days when I was fine with not waking up. I just didn't want to go on.

Something deep inside me told me to hold on just one more day. Those days have added up to over 6 months, and I am still pushing. Someone needs to know that it's fine to be sad and tired. Someone needs to know that you can keep going. The only way that I will ever touch anyone else, is to first allow myself to share my story and my testimony. Fear is no longer welcome here. I will no longer allow it to stifle my voice and limit me. This is not a resolution, it's a necessary change. I'm trying to save my life.

In this new year of 2017, I am going to just trust the process. I am going to take more risks. I am going to embrace change and to allow myself time to heal and rebuild my life. I am giving myself permission to be vulnerable and transparent in all that I do. When Aaron was sick, I tried desperately to control every situation. That didn't do anything but stress me out more. I am learning that I don't need to control everything. I am loving on me and pouring into myself and others without any hesitation or fears. For me, 2017 really is the year of living fearlessly and pushing past comfort zones.