Something is Happening

Something is happening. I am crying less. I'm beginning to accept my life as it is right now. My focus is different. I think I am growing. I think God is healing me. A few days ago, the sister of a very close friend told me that I looked good and that I looked at peace. I was at a loss for words. I look like I'm at peace? I'm not at peace, at least not yet. I'm anxious to be there, I'm just not there yet.

I don't really feel like I am at peace. I am not fighting what's happened like before...... At peace though? I don't know. I knew that in order to get through all of this, we would have to go through ALL of it. I never imagined going through it would include losing Aaron, but that was part of the plan. I'm not always one to welcome change, however, I am trying (really, really hard) to step back and to just let God work this out.

My heart still aches and my children are without their dad. That is a fact of my life. As ugly and unfair as it is. These are unfortunately the cards I've been dealt. Thanksgiving is a few days away. I'm still trying to prepare mentally for that. 12 months ago, I was running around trying to get the last things for "OUR" dinner... So much can change in a year. I'm really not looking forward to Thursday.

Even with all of the chaos and upheaval in my life, I still feel like something good is happening. A change. A shift. A blessing. There is something going on way deep down inside of me. I feel it. I am claiming it. I NEED it. I need it soon. I just want something so positive and good and awesome to happen. I know... God's timing is not our timing. I know.

My focus has changed from sadness to being hopeful. I'm all about self-care, self-love and everything positive. I don't want any negativity or sadness in my life. I've had my fill with bad news, sad days and loss. I've experienced a profound, life shattering, world altering loss. I'm way overdue for a win or two. I am also learning to take pride in the small victories. A day or two in a row without tears is a win.

Every day that I can get out of the bed and pull myself together is a victory. Every day I don't break all the way down is a victory. I hope that the people who know me and know my story will look at me and know that if I can get through this, they can get through whatever they are going through as well.

Anyway, back to school work and all the other daily shenanigans.