Pushing Through the Pain

Pushing through the pain. I’ve heard it said and I’ve read it written. But what exactly does that mean? How do you push through something so very painful? Do you ignore the hundreds of thoughts and emotions you experience daily? Do you focus on other things? Do you “fake it til you make it?” The pain is real, it’s heavy, it’s physical sometimes. This sh*t hurts. Bad. I don’t know if that is what I’ve been doing these past months. I am just trying to make it day to day without falling apart.

I know that God is working. I know that I can’t rush the healing process, but I want it to hurt just a little bit less. I want to not cry when I am forced to tell people what's happened. I just want it to be easier than it is right now.

I don’t know if pushing through and just trying to make it are the same thing. I look back at how far I’ve come and I can see growth and I guess what one would call healing. I’m not sure if by just pushing through will have the opposite of the desired effect on my healing. I try to acknowledge the feelings when they come. But to be honest with you, sometimes I don’t want to feel those things.

I just want my normal boring life back. I’ve probably said that before, but I mean it. I know it’s impossible but I would give anything to have that life back. I’m not really feeling this “new normal.” I feel awkward and weird. I wonder what people think and say about me. Do they feel sorry for me? Are they waiting on me to have some kind of break down? I just don’t know how I fit into this new life. I crave familiarity, and normalcy. Being a widow isn’t normal. It’s uncomfortable. I hate it. I’ve read that God makes you uncomfortable when he’s making you grow. I’ve grown..

I’ve experienced allot in the last 2 1/2 years. Too much if you ask me. The sister of a very dear friend of mine passed away suddenly on Monday. I’ve found myself dispensing all kinds of advice on coping. I don’t want to be the guru of how to deal when a loved one dies. In my own brokenness, I’ve found myself attempting to help others in their grief. I told her that there are going to be some good and some very bad days coming. To let herself feel and be sad and to be angry and to just be. I am not good at following my own advice.

Some days I don’t want to feel anything. I couldn’t bring myself to go to her house. My pain is too fresh right now to be among people whose grief is so new. My kids had a virus too so I didn’t want to go and spread their nasty germs. For the time being, I will continue pushing on through. Just waiting on the day when I realize that the darkness has lifted a little allowing some sunshine in. The day when things hurt less and I feel good. Can’t wait until the day I can say that I am truly happy and ok and really mean it.