I Made It (kind of)

It’s October 1st, and I made it through our anniversary. Thursday, September 29th would have been our 15th wedding anniversary. I kept my mind busy and I didn’t even cry. I made it!!! Right?? I was thinking that maybe I’ve made some progress. Fast forward to today. I was on Facebook earlier, when all of these videos began to flood my timeline. A surprise proposal and wedding. This is exactly what I needed to see (insert sarcasm).

I couldn’t turn it off. I sat there and watched a beautiful expression of love. As happy as I was for them, my heart was breaking into a million pieces at the same time. This is probably the last thing I should’ve watched with my life in shambles over here… I probably shouldn't have watched all of the videos. What is it they say about hindsight?

So even though I was tear free on Thursday, I more than made up for it today. I am beyond happy for them. I’m always happy for others. It’s just that the way my life is set up…. Although it reaffirmed my belief in real, romantic, love. It’s nice to know that love like that really exists. To be honest, I have never experienced anything like that, although I would love to. Anyway, I’m trying to get my emotions back under control. I HAVE to get myself together.

Trying to get my house in order and prepare for the upcoming week. I’m kind of excited because I start school this week. I am finally finishing my bachelor’s degree. I am praying that I will be so occupied that I won’t have time to be sad, or time to be on social media. I think I need to detox from that too. When your life is less than great, everyone else’s looks awesome. Even if it isn’t.

I am really struggling with all of this right now. This is not the life I prayed for. I am just trying to hold on until this storm is over. Although I don’t see any sunshine, only rain in the forecast right now. Rahsaan started counseling today. He really opened up which I am happy about. I am praying that this will help him to deal with all of his emotions. I am going to get Aryn started next. I just want them all to be happy and healthy. That’s what I want for all of us. My greatest wish is to have normal back. Not this new normal, the old boring normal I used to complain about.