All That Remains

So, after the dust settles and all the visitors have gone home, what’s left? Shock, devastation, fear, anger, sadness and unbearable grief, are a few of the things that were left behind. All that remained was sadness and loss. Disappointment came after all of the visits, phone calls and texts stopped coming. What happened to all of the people who promised to be there for us? I found out that they had returned to their lives. Not everyone, there are some who made that promise and held their word. There were many who didn't.

They left us behind to pick up the pieces of what was left of our lives. I was angry and hurt. Why didn’t they understand what we were going through? It didn’t matter, they were gone. Some family and friends pulled a disappearing act on us and I was devastated. I realized that life just goes on. No matter what you’re dealing with, life keeps moving along. I eventually realized that I had no right to be angry. I had to let go of those feelings to work my way through this journey I was on.

Although deep down, there was a small part of me that was hoping that someone would come along to help me pick up all the broken pieces. Someone to guide me through all of this pain was what I needed. I wanted a hero to come in and save me. It finally dawned on me, that no one was coming to rescue me. The only person that could rescue me was me. So I guess all that remained was me. Getting through this would be an inside job. A job I didn’t want nor was I prepared for. I didn’t want to go through any of this. I didn’t even know where to begin. It’s not like there is an instruction book on widowhood. All I knew was this was beyond unfair.

Because I have 3 kids, there wasn’t time for a pity party. They probably saved my life some days. Every day I pushed forward even though all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and sleep until this nightmare was over. Instead of allowing the sadness to overtake me I celebrated Aryn’s birthday, and prepared to return to work and their return to school. I managed to keep going despite how I felt inside. I didn’t miss a beat, and for that, I am proud of myself. I stopped fighting the process and allowed all of the feelings and sadness to come. I acknowledged the grief for what it was, and I kept right on going.

I discovered a strength that I never knew I had. A lot of personal reflection has gone on during that last 6 ½ months. When I look back at our journey, I realized that I really did an amazing job. I managed to hold things together even though other things were falling apart. Life was dropping lemon after lemon on me and I kept going. Just when I thought things were finally turning around, they went from bad to worse and Aaron lost his battle. At that point, I had only two choices, I could sink or I could swim. I chose the latter.

Giving up wasn’t really an option for me. It was very important for me to show Rahmil, Rahsaan, and Aryn that no matter what, you HAVE to keep going. They needed to understand that there isn’t anything that you can’t get through. Even though people, who claimed to love us, deserted us during the most traumatic time in our lives, we had to keep on going. I needed to show them that the only way we were going to get through this was to go through this.

They say that when God is taking you to a new level he is going to make it uncomfortable. I can honestly say that I have been kicked out of my comfort zone. I’m being stretched whether I want to be or not. I’ve also heard that from pain comes your purpose. I have a testimony that could possibly help others to heal. I never would have discovered that had I not gone through this loss. I’m not professing to be all knowing, I’m just trying to show others that you must keep going.

I want to show them that it is OK to be happy again. Until then, we have to learn to create our own sunshine. Eventually, the storm will pass. There is a saying that goes, “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, that’s when you know you’ve healed.” I’m almost there.